A few days ago the decision was made for my father to go home. To die.
I am going to California, as soon as weather allows, to be with him.
I can think of no tougher time than now.
I can think of no more heartbreaking moment than the cerebral act of letting go.
It also doesn’t get more personal than the passing of a loved one. And I take this very, very personally.
But, I cannot think of a better option for my father than this.
Death is a part of life, I’ve come to figure out that the processes of dying is also a part of the process of living.
It doesn’t make it easier.
I could never figure out… well not figure out… but maybe the better word is appreciate, Courtney Love’s album title “Live Through This,” released days after the suicide of Kirk Cobain. I do now, because that’s exactly what you have to do… live through this… and make sure you come out the other side intact. Not bitter. Not damaged. Not back to normal — you can’t expect that — but with your sanity and wits intact. I still have to get up, I still have the little ones to dress, feed, help with their 20 mins of reading a night, and make sure that lunch isn’t a fistful of Oreos and a juice box (though I don’t think my nutrition lately has been much better.)
But I see how the next few weeks are going to play out….
It’s as if there’s a tidal wave I can see far off. It’s been there, but now it’s coming straight at me, the water has receded from the beach, exposing miles of barren, skeletal sand. Now the wave is closer, much closer and it’s cresting higher and higher.
I can’t outrun it.
I can’t seek shelter.
It will hit. And hit hard.
So here I am. Bracing myself for it.